


Butterfly Punches.

by gabrielle_the_archangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cute, Dean Winchester has gay thoughts and no one can convince me otherwise, M/M, butterflies and punching, idk if i'll continue it, really - Freeform, this is just a drabble
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-07 08:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5449394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielle_the_archangel/pseuds/gabrielle_the_archangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He looked over at Castiel, the angel passed out on the couch, long legs sprawled over the armrest and his arm resting on the ground beside it.  Most angels didn’t sleep, but then again, Castiel wasn’t most angels.  </p><p>	No, Castiel was stupid, kind, attractive, and made Dean’s stomach do somersaults on occasion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stupid, Corny Metaphors.

**Author's Note:**

> Just some fluffy cuteness going on up in Mr. Winchester's head.

Falling in love with Castiel was like being punched in the face by a butterfly.  

Okay, that was corny and cliche and Dean Winchester couldn’t believe he had just thought of the words “butterfly” and “punched” in the same sentence.  He took a deep breath before thinking it over again in his head, coming to the same conclusion.  He looked over at Castiel, the angel passed out on the couch, long legs sprawled over the armrest and his arm resting on the ground beside it.  Most angels didn’t sleep, but then again, Castiel wasn’t most angels.  

No, Castiel was stupid, kind, attractive, and made Dean’s stomach do somersaults on occasion.   

Dean tried to think about when it had happened, exactly.  Sure, he and Castiel had always been close and he had cared about him, but Dean hadn’t always loved him.  Not like this.  He had loved him in the “you’re-important-to-me-and-I-value-you” way, not the “why-do-you-make-me-feel-this-way” kind of love.  But now his thoughts got all jumbled up when he saw him and he grinned when Cas said something that was irritatingly adorable and the worst part of it all was that Dean Winchester wasn’t supposed to fall in love.  

He had tried it a couple times.  The first time was with Cassie (And wasn’t there something ironic about that?).  He had been young and spontaneous, not that the spontaneous part had changed now, but he was older and a little more level-headed.  Keyword being little.  Still, he had thought that somehow being a hunter and having a relationship would work and for a while it did.  Cassie was understanding and gorgeous and Dean really had loved her, even if he hadn’t loved her the way she had wanted him to.  But all good things had to come to an end and Dean couldn’t say goodbye to the one bad thing in his life; Hunting.  Because when it came down to it, he knew he would never be able to run away and hide from his role in the world and that if he didn’t succumb to it that one day it would come back to bite him in the ass.  

Saying goodbye was painful but he knew that staying would be worse.  

Lisa had been an accident.  He had never really meant for her to be anymore than a one weekend stand, albeit a long, glorious one weekend stand.  The times he had seen her without searching her out he had chalked up to merely happy coincidences.  She was familiar to him and that really made him feel safe and feeling safe was nice when the world was out to get you.  He didn’t plan on staying though.  Then the near apocalypse had happened and Dean was left by himself.  The one person he had loved more than anyone else in the world and the person he was supposed to protect was now gone from his life and damn, there was a hole in his heart and he needed someone.  Lisa had been the closest and the only person he knew he could go back to.  

Things were okay for while.  It took him a little time, but sooner than later he got a job at a mechanic shop and slowly but surely they had started a routine.  He grew up a little when he was with Lisa and he watched Ben grow up too.  He was… God, he was happy and he had a strange, sinking feeling that it wouldn’t last because for Dean Winchester, happiness never lasted.  And he was right.  Sam was back and he suddenly no longer needed Lisa, but he wanted her and this wasn’t supposed to be so hard.  He tried harder with her than he had with Cassie to make things work, though in the end it had panned out the same way it had with Cassie and he was alone again, Lisa and Ben left with nothing to remember him by, not even their memories.

So Dean had sworn off relationships and love because it was overrated and had never worked for him before.  He wasn’t happy but that was a normal constant for him and adding a person who he cared about to that mix would only make matters worse.  

Cas had always been important.  

He had brought him back from the fire and damn, Dean would always be eternally grateful for that.  He owed it to Cas to help him, but he didn’t owe it to Cas to trust him and care about him.  Yet, here he was, comparing to being in love with him like being punched by a fucking butterfly.  

And, contrary to popular belief, Dean Winchester did know how to fall in love.  Despite the lack of love he had in his life most of the time, he did know how to love and be in love and care.  The difference was that Dean didn’t allow himself to love because he didn’t need to.  So, the problem that was currently standing was that Dean Winchester was very much in love even though he didn’t want to be in love.  

He looked over at Cas again, the angel’s back turned to him and his face pressed into the couch.  

Bastard.  

Dean could count on his fingers how many times he had thought about kissing Cas while he was eating breakfast in the morning or while he watched Cas watch tv or even as the angel rode alongside him in the Impala.  He wondered what it would be like to hold his hand and to feel his warmth beside him at night.  Dean didn’t even try to push the thoughts out of his head anymore because it didn’t work and he would find himself dreaming of Cas.  His hair and his lips and those beautiful fucking eyes- Dean had it bad and he knew it, but there was nothing he could do about it so he ran around those thoughts in his head.  

There was more than just a couple problems that followed being in love with Castiel.  

Of course, there was the whole “Dean-Can’t-Love-Anyone” law that Dean followed better than any actual law, but there was more than just that.  Another problem that presented it to himself was the fact that Cas was a guy.  Well, that wasn’t exactly true.  Castiel was an angel and therefore (As he liked to remind Dean) he had no real gender, but his vessel was a dude and that made Dean feel a little uneasy about the whole thing.  

Dean hadn’t ever had a very good self-image.  

Scratch that.  He had a terrible self-image and everyone from his brother to the late John Winchester knew that.  Some people used it against him, including his ass of a father.  Dean had spent years convincing himself that he wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love, not his father’s or Sam’s or his mother’s.  He was convinced that it was his fault that- He couldn’t say it anymore.  It wasn’t your fault.  But Dean felt like it was and even though he was sure he was too young to remember Mary he still did and it hurt.  

When he was younger, his father had caught him with a guy.  Dean had been a junior in highschool.  Sam had been out with his friend (Dean thought it was stupid to have friends when they would just be moving again) and John had been out hunting God knows what.  Dean had been left at home alone and he had invited this guy over.  His name had been Aaron and sooner than later Dean had found himself on Aaron’s lap and his mouth on Aaron’s.  They had been fooling around, nothing major, when John had walked through the door.  It wasn’t pretty and Dean hadn’t been comfortable with the idea of men ever since.  

 _Faggot_.  

 _He’s gone_ , Dean reminded himself again before taking a deep breath and concentrating on the way that Castiel’s chest moved up and down in a perfect rhythm.  He could fall asleep to the melodies that Castiel’s chest had to offer but he forced himself to stay awake, wanting to be able to figure out what it was about Cas that made him feel like this.  

Men though, had always been attractive to Dean, and Castiel was no exception.  

Those thin, pink lips that Dean couldn’t stop thinking about kissing.  That raven hair that stuck up in a beautiful chaotic mess and those blue eyes that Dean found himself drowning in every time he looked in them.  Cas was fit and he was strong and made Dean weak in the knees when his hand accidentally touched his.  And then there was that stupid trench coat that made him more than a little happy to see everyday and the way that Castiel wore his tie backwards.  

Dean was royally fucked and he knew it, but he couldn’t help but think that being in love with Castiel wasn’t all that bad.  Because the truth was, Castiel knew Dean had done some dark, dark shit in his lifetime, but so had Castiel.  They were both equal parts flaw and perfection.  Dean hated stupid romantic crap but Cas made him want to write a song and if Dean’s heart and brain had chosen Cas to be the one he had to fall in love with, then he wouldn’t complain.  

The metaphor was still stupid, though, and he thought that as he took another look at Castiel and felt a soft, feather-light punch being thrown at his stomach once again.  

 


	2. Falling.  In Love and Endlessly.

Being in love with Dean Winchester was like endlessly free falling.  

Castiel wasn’t really sure how else to describe it.  He could remember what it had felt like to be without wings, to truly be human, and it had been pain and emotion and love.  It had been the worst and the best time of Castiel’s existence and it had been that time he had really gotten the chance to see Dean for… Dean.  Angels were able to see more than just the exterior of a vessel and Castiel hadn’t ever seen the other man’s face before his fall.  After his wings were ripped away from him, though, he was able to see Dean for what he was to the rest of the world.  And God, it was a beautiful sight.  His eyes were forests that Castiel could get lost in and his lips were soft, pink curves, like the sun rising in the morning.  And Castiel realized that Dean’s physical form and his soul- They were both equally beautiful, equally flawed.  

Dean’s soul was dull.  It was broken and mended terribly, like someone who had never learned how to sew had gone in and tried to make a beautiful quilt out of broken fragments that just didn’t fit together like they should.  His soul had dark spots where it seemed like poison had touched it and it had almost rotted away.  But the incredible thing about Dean’s soul- The beautiful thing- Was that it was still more radiant than most souls he saw and it was still stronger than any he had seen.  Maybe that was the secret behind Dean Winchester, the man himself.  The reason why Dean kept going and the reason that he couldn’t stop.  Because even though he was full of flaws and dark things and so, so many cracks, he didn’t want to stop.  He needed to keep going and he wouldn’t stop fighting.  

And maybe that was the reason Castiel felt breathless when he was around him.  

When Castiel had fallen, it had hurt.  It had hurt like nothing he had ever felt before.  No amount of torture or bloodshed or loss could amount to what he had gone through.  The worst part about it all was knowing that it was his doing.  Well, not his entirely, but he had been used like a pawn by Metatron, and he had consequently followed the wrong man once again.  Castiel had been so lost before Metatron had promised to help and then- Castiel had been a fool to believe him.  Actually, Castiel had always been a fool.  

He had always messed up in his existence.  The first real assignment he had gotten was to rescue the righteous man from the fires of Hell.  Castiel had followed the rules like the good little soldier he was and then retrieved him.  It was the best mistake of his entire life.  Castiel had always been set in his mission and he followed rules and his garrison before anything else.  But Dean Winchester was different.  He was… He was the first human that Castiel had ever felt close to.  The first one he felt he owed something to and the first human he cared about.  It had been strange to feel close to something other than the angels in his garrison and at first it scared him.  But as frightened as Cas was he was also so, so curious.  

And so Castiel had started digging a hole that he wouldn’t be able to escape.  There was no turning back once he became closer to the Winchesters and Castiel could feel the bond between Dean and himself growing.  It was electric.  Every time Dean stared at him it caused him to shiver so slightly because even if Dean couldn’t feel it, Castiel could and every time they shared a glance another shock of electricity hit Castiel and it knocked him off his feet.  And Castiel couldn’t explain it and had a hard time even wrapping his head around these thoughts and… Feelings.  He was pretty sure that angels weren’t supposed to have feelings but he was sure that was what these were.  

It had taken Castiel the longest time just to figure out that that was what was happening to him, but a question followed close behind it:  Why was it that this one human could take everything he knew and flip it upside down?  

There wasn’t really an answer for that and the only solution that Castiel had ever come up with was because it was Dean Winchester.  

The more and more he spent around the Winchesters the more he knew that he would never be the same again.  And the thing was, that really didn’t bother him.  So when he fell, as much as it hurt, he knew he would have someone to fall back on.  Sam and Dean were the closest things to friends he had ever had.  He needed to be able to talk about the guilt he felt, the guilt that made a home deep inside of his stomach.  He had caused his brothers and sisters to lose their grace, to lose their wings.  There was no greater insult and Castiel felt even more lost than he had ever felt and nothing made sense and god- His head hurt.  

He couldn’t go back to the Winchesters.  Not after what he had done.  

So he kept to himself.  He had learned so many feelings while being human; Betrayal, disgust, anger, sadness, anxiety, fear… But with all the bad came good.  And it just so happened that Dean Winchester helped to bring the good back to his life.  All he had to do was think about how they were or the memories they had and he was happy.  Happiness was a good human emotion and he could still feel it now.  Dean Winchester had an incredible way of bringing a smile to his face and Castiel was thankful that the man was there for him, just like he was there for Dean.  

When he was human, he had dreamt of falling.  He had fallen asleep and woken up with  cold sweat beading along his forehead.  In that terrified moment, before he had woken up, he had thought he was falling.  He could remember what he was thinking as he was falling through the air, the wind ruffling his hair and the screams escaping his mouth.   Or maybe is was all muffled, just like his cries as his twisted and turned in his bed at night, free falling through the air, waiting to crash into the ground that was inevitably awaiting his return.  

When he had woken up, he decided that this was what falling in love felt like.  It was confusing and frightening and flying and falling all at the same time.  And for some reason, even though he wouldn’t want to do it again, he couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to fall through the air once again, totally helpless yet completely free.

And he guessed that’s why being in love with Dean Winchester was like falling.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I broke down and added another chapter. It's definitely not as good as the first one (In my opinion), but I thought it wouldn't be right if I only gave Dean's POV and not Castiel's.


	3. Subtext and Buttsex.

Contrary to popular belief around the bunker, Sam Winchester did in fact have eyes.  

He could see the stolen glances, the excessive touching, the damn staring contests, for God’s sake.  He could see it all and he was hyper-aware of the impending doom that was about to unfold on them.  Because Dean Winchester was falling in love with Castiel and Castiel just so happened to reciprocate those feelings.  

Unless of course, Sam was reading too much into this.  

He took a drink of his water, running a hand through his brown hair before shaking his head.  No, that would only make sense if Sam hadn’t known his older brother all of his life.  He and his brother had always been close; They had to be.  Living the life they did, the only thing that had was each other and even though it wasn’t much, it was enough for the two Winchester boys.  Sam wouldn’t trade his relationship with his brother for the world and he liked to believe that even if their father hadn’t been so involved with the death of Mary Winchester, their relationship would have still been the same. 

Okay, so maybe their situation wasn’t exactly ideal.  

Life had been hell growing up.  They constantly moved around and people they met were more like landmarks, or little reminders of where they had been.  Benson was a reminder of Boston and Thomas reminded him of Springfield.  There was no point in making friends because those friends just became memories that faded.  The less attachments the better and Sam’s head would hurt from all the road signs and landmarks they would pass.  The dusty, old motels they stayed at would entertain a variety of guests and Sam could remember going to the arcade (The best motels had small arcades with a working claw machine and Pac-Man) and spending the few dollars Dean had blessed him with.  Younger Sam had never thought anything about where that money came from but Sam still felt guilt when he thought back to the days and seeing the fresh bruises on Dean’s cheek the next day.  Of course, he hadn’t known that was because of one game of Pac-man.   

Dean had said that Sam didn’t get it, because he hadn’t had a chance to meet John Winchester before the accident.  Before he became a monster.  He had spent years trying to convince him that the man had been good and that he was only broken because of… Well, they both knew why.  But Dean would only defend him after Sam would threaten to confront him about the purple marks that made a home under Dean’s eye.  Sam would never understand how Dean could follow his father so blindly while letting him hurt him like that, because Sam could hardly stand to be in the same room as John Winchester.  

Sam had had a long time to think about his childhood and that’s what he had done.  He had thought hard about it and came to the decision that even though his father may have been bad, he had meant good and he could forgive him.  If not for his sake, then for Dean’s and Mary’s.  Dean had always protected him and taken care of him;  When they were younger and now, and he owed him that.  He owed him a lot more than that, really, but it was one way he could attempt to pay an unpayable debt.  He made it his personal mission to be Dean’s crutch when he needed someone to lean on.  

And now came the tricky part.  

Because Dean Winchester was bad about talking about feelings and Sam Winchester was bad at touching on sensitive subjects.  And Dean’s love life was definitely a sensitive subject.  

Dean wasn’t actually bad at relationships, even if he had had far and few between.  There had been Cassie, the first girl he had ever really committed to.  Of course, while his brother had tried hard to make it work, the job took priority and Cassie hadn’t been able to hold onto Dean.  Dean still didn’t like visiting Cape Girardeau, Missouri because of it.  Lisa came next.  

Lisa was the closest person Dean came to staying with.  Because Sam knew, that if he hadn’t of come back, Dean would have.  And when Sam was having deep, dark days where it hurt to leave his room and open his eyes, his wished that he wouldn’t have come back.  If he hadn’t, at least Dean would have been happy.  Still, Dean had been so close to happiness but in the end, he thought that Sam came first.  And god, as selfish as it was, if Dean wanted to believe it, Sam would let him.  Because he couldn’t honestly imagine a life without his brother in it.  

Dean could deny it as much as he wanted to, but Sam saw through his facade.  

It takes a liar to know a liar.  

So Sam, being practical, decided that talking to Dean about his crush would probably be the most reasonable thing to do.  Of course, he was right and Dean knew that, but it didn’t mean that Dean would talk to him.  About anything.  

The first time Sam had brought it up had been at breakfast one morning.  Dean had been making eggs and Sam had casually asked him if there was anything going on between the angel and his brother.  Dean had gotten defensive and asked him if he had bought into that whole “subtext” thing the girls at Saint  Alphonso's Academy at brought up.  He then proceeded to explain to Sam that just because buttsex was an anagram of subtext didn’t mean that’s what he and Cas wanted (“I mean, c’mon, Sammy.  He’s… He’s a dude.  And he’s  _ Cas. _ ) Sam had decided to finish the rest of his breakfast in his room because he wasn’t sure if he could look Dean in the face after hearing him mention the words Cas and buttsex in the same sentence.  

The second time Sam had the Cas/Dean situation up (Destiel?  Deestiel?  Deastiel?  Sam couldn’t quite remember) was accidentally in front of Cas.  Now, Sam could see how it had been a bad idea to bring it up in the main room of the bunker, but every time he got Dean alone Dean found something to preoccupy himself with and Sam had resorted to talking to him a little less privately.  Castiel wasn’t anywhere to be seen, probably binge watching Orange is the New Black or something like that.  Sam brought it up the same way as before, deciding not to sugar-coat it in anyway (Because honestly, what good would that do?).  The conversation had gone a little something like this: 

“Hey, Dean?” 

“What is it, Sam?  I’m obviously trying to-”   
“Avoid me.  Yeah, I’ll let you get back to that in a minute.  But until then… Dude, is there something going on between you and Cas?”  

Sure, it hadn’t been the best way to bring it up, but he was trying.  

“... Dude, do we have to have this conversation again?” 

“We didn’t even have a conversation last time, Dean.  You just started rambling abou-” 

“Sam.  Look at me.  It’s this simple:  Cas and I don’t have any subtext or buttsex or whatever.  We’re just friends, okay?  Why is that so hard to believe-” 

“Hello, Dean.” 

The preceding conversation ended with Dean retreating to his room and Castiel staring at his chair he had been sitting in seconds before with an eyebrow quirked in confusion.  

The last time Sam had tried to bring it up Dean had responded in a one-finger salute and Sam had decided that maybe it would be best to leave it alone.  

No matter what Dean tried to tell Sam, he knew the truth and he came to accept a truth himself:  

The two of them didn’t need words to know that they loved each other, and maybe Sam didn’t need words to see that either.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KEEP ADDING TO THIS. Sorry, but not really. I hope you all enjoy this and thank you for all of the hits. Tell me if you want more and keep up the awesomeness. 
> 
> Love you babies. 
> 
> Oh, fun fact. When I wrote the part that said "Sam wanted to be Dean's crutch for him to lean on (Or something like that; I'm tired and it's one in the morning.) it tried to tell me that crutch should be crotch and we almost had a very different slash fic. Jokes aside, thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I wrote this on a whim. 
> 
> I was supposed to be working on finals, but for some reason my brain thought it to be more appropriate if I wrote about what was going on up in Dean's head and how Castiel makes his stomach do somersaults. I probably won't continue this, because really it was just a cute little drabble I wrote because why the heck not, but if you guys like it then I more than likely will. Still, I hope you enjoy it. Here 'ya go, babies. 
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Gabby.


End file.
